


its harder to be yourself than it is to be anybody else

by novakid



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Alcohol, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 17:57:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6089230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novakid/pseuds/novakid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And yet, he dreaded the feeling. He had never felt so lonely in his entire life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	its harder to be yourself than it is to be anybody else

_Deep breath. With your diaphragm. Inhale through the nose. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Exhale through the mouth._

He leaned over the dresser, holding onto the edge. Looking hard into his reflection.

“Who are you?” He asked.

No answer. He waited.

“You’re Jack. Handsome Jack. Don’t forget that.”

No answer.

He let go. Clapped his hands together. He had a job to do. It wasn’t long after the events on Elpis. Defeating the Lost Legion. Opening the vault. So on, so forth. It all moved so fast. Too fast. He couldn’t keep up. His brain, it didn’t suite this.

_It has to. This isn’t your brain. It’s Jack’s brain._

Alright.

* * *

“Hey, Dobbey.”

'Jack' made a face. That was Nisha. She had a habit of giving… interesting nicknames. She had started calling him 'Double', which evolved into…

“Dobbey. _Hellooo_. Listen to when I talk. I’m a sheriff now, remember? Big and important. Look at my shiny badge.” Her smirk. Conniving. It made him uncomfortable.

“Why am I here?” He asked her softly. They were in Lynchwood. Usually Jack, the real Jack, kept him on Helios. Or made him go to Opportunity with him. Jack may have explained why he was here, but he just couldn’t remember. (He stopped listening after the first few minutes of him talking.)

“Oh, you know Jack. He worries ‘bout me. Sweet guy. Kinna ofa fuckin’ knucklehead. I told him I can handle this town on my own. He insists on you backin’ me up during the whole…. shift to whatever this town use to be to Lynchwood. A looot of new rules I’m implementin’. He thinks his… “presence” is gonna help keep away an uprisin' or whatever.”

Jack frowned. “You could handle them if they did.”

Nisha grinned and winked. The only audible response he got from her was a pleased hum.

Nisha was alright. Well, in regards to the whole team, she was. Wilhelm had little to no feelings. He was rough. A robot. Athena was cold. Also rough. Jack never knew when to joke around her. Aurelia was also cold. In a literal sense. But cruel and self-centered. Claptrap was… a mistake.

Of course, Nisha was also terrifying. She was sadistic and practically squealed with joy at the sight of blood.

But she was fun and sometimes kind when drunk.

And the only friend Jack had after the whole vault business.

They got to her quarters. Or, house. Yeah, it was an actual house. At the end of town. It was big and homey and it reminded him of cute little things on the Edens. Someone could make a dollhouse out of Nisha’s house.

Of course, the place was decorated with guns.

“You seem tense.” She said, pulling out the couch for Jack to sleep on.

“I _am_ tense.”

She nodded. She wasn’t usually one for conversation. He got that. She liked to shoot more than speak.

“Look in the cabinet. In the kitchen.”

“Which one.”

“The one that ain’t dusty as all hell.”

He slowly headed over there. The whole room was covered in dust. Aside from the cabinet she spoke about, of course.

Jack opened and... Oh. Booze.

A lot of booze.

* * *

They were on the pull-out couch, laughing. Sharing jokes. Most of Jack’s jokes were mundane. Knock knocks, puns, and clever play on words. Nisha’s jokes were downright gorey. Less jokes and more stories. Funny stories. Well, Jack found them terrifying.

Despite such a drastic contrast, they were both laughing with each other anyways.

“OOOH my GOOOOD Tammy! You’re suuuuch a riot!” She hollered so loudly, he didn’t doubt he’d be deaf by the time he was back on Helios.

“Ahahaha… Yeah. Tammy?”

It took Nisha a few seconds to process the confusion that was on Jack’s face. Then she realized and patted him on the shoulder. Ow.

“Yeah! Liiiike from Timtam!”

“Timtam?”

“From Timothy!”

Timothy. His smile faded. He hadn’t heard that name in a long time. Not since his surgery.

Nisha, in her drunken obliviousness, didn’t notice his change of mood. She kept on laughing and kicking her feet as she recalled and recited another “funny story."

"I have to piss." Jack said. 

He didn't wait for Nisha's response. He got up and headed to the bathroom. Locked himself in. Climbed out the window. 

Ran. 

* * *

 

"Who are you?" He said to the reflection in the puddle he was looking down at. His voice was wavering. 

Nisha was nicer when she was drunk, but he wasn't sure if she would still be nice if he started sobbing on her. 

"Handsome Jack. _Handsome Jack._ You got that? Come on, kid! You can't just. You've got a job to do. Alright? Alright..." 

No answer. 

He felt like tearing his hair out. 

He felt like tearing his mask off. 

And his whole goddamn face. 

Not his face. _His_ face. 

He was there, squatted over the puddle as he sobbed. No one was around. None of Nisha's men or citizens. Not even a rat. Which was good. Couldn't bastardize the name of Handsome Jack by crying or he'd probably be fired. Or worse. It was good that he was alone. 

And yet, he dreaded the feeling. He had never felt so lonely in his entire life.  

He cried his eyes out. He didn't remember how, but when he finished, he was laying on his side in the mud. It was pathetic. Handsome Jack wasn't pathetic. 

Was Timothy Lawrence pathetic?

He didn't remember. 

Everyday, he told himself he was Jack. And he was. Legally, he was. He had to be. Jack, Jack, that's who he was, Jack. 

What was Timothy like? It had been months. 

What did Timothy like? What did he do for fun? What did he look like? 

Slowly, he got off from the ground. Headed back to Nisha's house. Through the window, into the bathroom. He cleaned the dirt from his clothes. 

He peered his head out the door. Nisha was sprawled across the couch, knocked out with bottles of alcohol all around her. He hoped that all of them weren't empty. 

He closed himself in the bathroom again and took out his ECHOdevice. Stared at it for awhile. 

He called Athena. 

"...Hello?" She sounded groggy. As if she had just gotten up from sleeping. 

"Hi. Athena. Hey." 

"Jack? I don't work for you anym-"

"No. It's. Uh. Timothy." The name tasted weird on his tongue. 

"Oh. What do you want." 

What did he want? He couldn't remember. But that didn't matter; his mouth was going on without his brain anyways.

"What was I like? When you first met me?"

There was a long sigh at the end of the line. For awhile, he was afraid that she had hung up, but then he heard her cough. "Uh, I'm... I don't know. You were jittery. Scared. Like a lost kid." A pause. "Why are you asking me this, Timothy?"

He swallowed hard. "Because. I can't remember." 

A pause. 

"Please, Athena. I'm. I'm going crazy. Being Jack is making me go crazy." 

More silence. 

"Please?"

"Alright, alright!" He heard her shift a bit. Suddenly, he felt bad. Athena was usually always on edge. If she was sleeping, she was probably relaxed. It wasn't fair for him to take that away. "Well. You liked books. Novels and comic books. You talked about those. You use to hide them in your bag." 

He remembered that. He hadn't read anything non-work related in so long. 

Athena kept trying to think. "Uhh. You were witty. In a way Jack isn't. Not that _that_ is particularly hard, since he thinks 'booty salads' is funny..."

And for the first time in a long time, he giggled. Not laughed, or snickered, or chuckled in the ways that Jack does. He giggled. A very Timothy thing to do. 

Athena went into detail. They must have spent an hour or two talking. He lost track of time. They both were interrupted by another voice. 

"'Thena? What're you doin' talkin' up a bloody storm..."

Oh shit. "Janey? Janey Springs?" 

"Oh, what the-" It was definitely Janey. "Jack?" 

Athena chimed in. "It's Timothy. The... kid who looks like Jack." 

"Oh! Timmy! Thank goodness! Was almost 'fraid we'd have to pack n' move somewhere!" 

All of them laughed. It was nice. 

They all continued their conversation for awhile longer. To his dismay, Athena and Janey soon left to make breakfast. 

"Bye Timothy. Stay strong, alright?"

"Alright."

He headed out of the bathroom. Nisha was still passed out on the pull-out. He laid on the other side, as far as he could. 

Timothy closed his eyes and drifted off to a dreamless sleep. 

* * *

 "Who are you?"

No answer. 

"Are you Jack?"

Nothing. 

"No." 

...

"You're Timothy. Don't forget that. Alright?"

... ... ...

"Please don't forget." 

He touched his reflection in the mirror. Dainty. Careful. 

"Please." 

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7xuhA3cj78


End file.
